sharing is so difficult

A lovely friend of mine mentioned how when one suffers they don’t want to disturb others by sharing that information. She was also surprised at learning that we had been on a crazy medical ride. She learned about it through what I write here.

This made me think… a lot!

I am not surprised she did not know about my home life. My friend and I met years ago at work. At that time I kept my home-life pretty separate from work. I did so  until I no longer had a choice.  I believe even my siblings have not been privy to everything going on about our medical situations.

Let’s dissect why.

Obviously, my personality played a big part. I am oddly an introvert.

Once the person’s personality has been accounted for, it is possible to break down what the emergency/medical situations brings to the mix.

SIMPLY NO TIME: When the ride is insane and things happen one on top of the other, there may simply be no time to share. This is particularly true for a working parent who is trying to juggle family, work and medical emergencies.

EXHAUSTION: It takes energy to share the information. It takes more energy to have to explain or, sadly, defend.  It may be energy you do not have to spare.

NO UNDERSTANDING or NO WORDS: How do you share information that you don’t understand yourself or can’t put words to?

AVOIDING THE LOOK OF PITY: People don’t always understand how hard it is for someone to try to keep everything under control. This is particularly true when you are trying to somewhat protect others like children or parents. It is much more difficult keeping everything together when sharing with someone pities the situation you have, or for some, the life you have.  (Our lives are full, though challenging, and not to be pitied)

AVOIDING THE DRAMA QUEENS: You might know these people who are the center of every drama. They might even ask, or demand your support as he or she tries to deal with news of your own hardship.

PROTECTING SOMEONE:  For those who have read my blog entries, you may know I believe in informing people, especially your children of what is going on. I must confess here, I did not tell my mom that my hubby was on a ventilator until much later. I did not want to add to her grief having seen Dad on a ventilator and having just lost him a few months before. I also respected a person in my circle who said she couldn’t handle any of our news, feeling herself personally overwhelmed.

NOT WANTING TO BE IDENTIFIED AS SUCH: My husband is not his diagnosis and I am not only the wife of the man.

RESPECTING SOMEONE’S PRIVACY: Hopefully, this one is self-explanatory.

NOT WANTING TO CAUSE WORRY: It is hard to share when we know the person can not do anything about the situation. We might worry for our children no matter their age. The same is true for worrying for our parents.

WORRIED HOW WE ARE PERCEIVED: We sometimes fear we will be seen as a whiner.

FEELING REDUNDANT:  chasing ambulances and brain surgeries started to sound déjà-vu and frankly pretty redundant through the sheer numbers of them.

AVOIDING JUDGEMENT/ BEING ATTACKED: The words I cannot stand are “You should…” or “All you have to do…” The best one said to me was, and I am paraphrasing here, “The coma isn’t a big deal; it was just induced so could you do me a favour”.

Let’s end with food for thought. As a person getting the news, what can you do?

• Please listen.
• Don’t judge.
• Don’t compare
• Offer to be available if the person needs to speak
• you can say things like “I wish better for you”
• ask if there is something you can do and then DO IT (but don’t expect the person to organise anything)
• Give a hug

Then, quietly make a casserole, get a gas card or a coffee card, help with little ones, or drop a line to say “hi, thinking of you”.  My favourites in my work place were a kind word and chocolate found on my desk. Chocolate is almost always good.

As last month’s posts touched upon, resilience is greatly supported by sharing with others, especially those who have been in your situation because you don’t have to explain yourself whether it be the terror, frustration or the exhaustion. You cannot get said support from someone who  is not naturally empathetic or does not understand what you are going through.

You also can not get the support if you do not share enough to find the people from your tribe or the naturally empathetic people. Honestly, not easy to figure out.

Please remember to not hold against someone who does not share a piece of news when you expected them to or how you expected them to do it.

See you next week for AHHH…Chocolate

Feel free to drop me a line whether it be a question or a comment. I would love to start a conversation with you.

Please feel free to share in hopes that someone suffering quietly on their own ride may find this on their screen and may feel less alone.