To all the men out there, I am sorry to have taken so long to understand the dynamics of a two income household. Be warned that you will not be the hero of this tale but neither will women. We need to not vilify anyone but truly find the culprit to help change the unwanted inequalities in households.
I will be writing somewhat out of character today. I will deal less about illness and more about simple social roles, specifically the domestic role played by each spouse.
How odd to say simple social roles. In all reality, nothing is simple in such roles since they are so deeply rooted that we often don’t take a moment to examine them. We simply know we feel uncomfortable if we believe we are somehow not being treated equally.
Now, you may not feel surprised that I felt I carried a heavy load. Now that my kids are older, I am starting to take a step back to look at what I have done.
I now realise how crazy it was to try to carry most of the housework, a lot of the yard work, all the errands, a full-time job, everyone’s appointments and, on two occasions, university classes. Part of the load I carried was caused by my husband’s medical condition which could land him in the hospital from one day to seven weeks. I needed to do it all when need be. The other cause of me carrying such a heavy load was socially dictated. You see, I am first generation working mom in my family. Actually, I seem to be the only woman on both sides of the family who worked full time outside the home throughout the children’s lives. The third cause of the load I carried, is my own stupid pride which is not only a subject for another day but maybe also a subject for a therapist.
The bar has been high for all women since they have joined the work force since they have tried to have the financial freedom as well as making sure they were not shirking their family responsibilities.
Now we know most families need to be a two-income family. So many men now want to share equally because they see it as simply fair that each do their part.
Here is the revelation of the day as I tried to share what I learned from a dear colleague friend of mine. It seems women still carry a larger weight on their shoulders. How can that be with the men doing more and more? It is “the mental load”! (Here is the little treasure she shared with me. Please note it is in French. https://emmaclit.com/2017/05/09/repartition-des-taches-hommes-femmes/
If I understand it correctly, it is the extra task, carried by a lot of women, of organising everything and breaking down the tasks for the smooth running of the family.
Let’s pretend the family is a company. Each part of the couple splits the chores down the middle. They are both workers on the floor. So far so good. Wait a minute, in most couples, the woman will also play the role of manager. She will figure out what needs to be done, break it down into priorities, distribute all tasks, monitor and readjust on a dime.
In business the manager’s job is quite important and is considered a full time job all by itself. It holds a lot of responsibilities which translate into higher salaries than the workers. It is the manager who insures the smooth running of all operations. We don’t always notice the work done by managers but it doesn’t make it any less important.
Let’s get back to the family. We seem to forget about the manager of the operations and all that entails.
It seems that many women, even those whose spouses do as many things on the to-do list at home as she does, do two jobs in the home: the manager and the worker.
If that is the case, we need to recognise what businesses have a long time ago, that managing is a demanding of one’s cognitive energy.
How can couple’s revisit the true demands on all members of the family to redistribute more fairly?
Any ideas?
Come back next week for the next blog entry May the Door Always Be Open…Welcome.
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