Identity is a big thing right now.
I see it all around me. I worry about my own.
Let me give you a run down.
I am a girl (actually a woman but sadly I am a result of our society where they called women girls and called boys men). Maybe I am a girl too though since there is part of me that remains a bit of a kid who savours the silliest things.
I am a mom. I like being a mom. I like the people who made me a mom.
I am a partner, a really good partner. I stand by my guy when things hit the fan and I see his abilities. I would have written wife but the part that is important to me is how my husband and I share our lives. Sometimes wife feels like I belong to someone (again society, especially how society is changing, makes me rethink these words).
I am a teacher. I feel this one a lot lately not only because the hours are long and how much I invest in “my kids” but because I am approaching retirement. FOUR MORE YEARS! This part of who I am is coming to an end, at least the way I have been living it for the last 31 years.
I am a sister, sister-in-law, niece, daughter-law, cousin and friend. This means I get to love a lot of people. I also get to worry for some. It also means I am paying attention to see how to live the next stage of my life.
I am an orphan. This year I lost my mom. 13 years ago, I lost my dad. I am blessed to have had them so long. It is just a reminder that I am now part of the wiser (?) generation. We still have my mother-in-law and uncles and aunts but their age and fragility for some is a reminder to celebrate all our people while we can.
Should I identify myself by what happened to me instead?
My teenage years were molded by illness in the home.
I moved too many times to count and have been a student in more or less 13 schools in my lifetime. You see, I am also an army brat.
I have run behind more than my share of ambulances loving a man with a crazy condition.
With two of my sisters, we did all in our power to support Mom and her needs in an old folk’s residence. For me that means I spent three years on the residence committee to better learn to navigate the system as well as to help other families.
I found my dad when he passed.
I was with Mom when she passed.
My mother-in-law, my husband and I were with my father-in-law when he passed.
(It is starting to sound like I may be bad luck…)
Do these things define who I am? Or does how I react define me?
The illness in my teenage life helped me see and accept other people’s realities.
Moving made me pretty adaptable. Change isn’t all that scary.
I see ambulances as carrying precious cargo. I usually have a quiet thought of thanks for those doing the job when one rushes past me and a wish for whomever needed the services.
I stand up for those who might not have a voice. In reality, I was so quiet as a kid, this is pretty surprising, My students have certainly heard my concerns on the forgotten or pushed aside. Hopefully, when I will be fragile, someone will stand up for me…
Where do I look for who I am?
These questions are weighing on me because I am approaching new stages in my life. First, I no longer support the needs of a parent. Second, my husband’s last brain surgery seems to have stopped his deadly seizures so I am no longer vigilant for his wellbeing.Third, my children really only need me for my lovely company and sometimes as a sounding board. Last but not least, my 50 or more hours of work a week will come to an end before I know it.
I think I need a new paradigm to understand me.
I am kind of excited to see who what and I get to become next.