What an interesting road I find myself on.
I am now officially on sick leave. How odd to find myself here. Not because I believe I am somehow protected from being sick, or it won’t happen to me, but because of how I got here.
Let me be clearer, since nothing I have written is at all clear. I am not exactly on sick leave, but on stress leave. I am on stress leave because of things sneaking up on me, mostly at work. I never thought I could be hit there. It was in a strange way my safe zone. Maybe that is the thing. Maybe I did not know how to protect myself because I assumed I could handle whatever was thrown my way. Did I let it go too far?
Lets begin at the beginning.
I have been off work for almost three weeks (For two of those weeks work was closed for the Christmas holidays.) I am off work because my body now feels like it is constantly on an adrenaline rush. My limbs almost constantly feel like they are vibrating. Actually my whole body feels that way. I feel this weird sensation over my head and into my spine sporadically. This despite being on holiday and doing little. Whatever broke in me to have me leave work is deeply broken enough to not be letting up despite the fact that I am not there at this time.
I find the sensation interesting. I try to put it into words since it is foreign to me. The sensation isn’t, the trying to explain it is. You see, my body kind of feels like when you arrive a t a corner of a street where an ambulance, a firetruck and a police car have their lights flashing because of an accident and it is your kid who just got hit by a car. ( He was well enough and only needed stitches to close up a gash in his leg) Or when you walk into an ICU to see what is left of your husband after a status epilepticus seizure or a brain surgery. I’ve been through that a number of times. Or finding someone dead. That I’ve done only once. Or being present as someone passes… That happened twice.
What is odd is the other times I would have the sensation of my body vibrating, it was temporary. It eventually stopped once the shock or worry had disapated. This time I am about to start my fourth or fifth week of a constant reminder that something is wrong. Add to that the weird sensation in my head.
All of this with no emergency in sight, no ambulance, no one counting on me.
Now I need to navigate a path into wellness. I guess I am welcoming you to my own ride.