Last week I mentioned that as a spouse we are often to face medical emergencies that even doctor’s with all their equipment may feel uncomfortable in facing. Though,last week’s story makes me chuckle from the sheer insanity of it all, there is a sad statement that comes of it as well. The statement is the expectations of a spouse when his or her beloved is facing a medical or emergency situation.
The expectations of which I speak come from the immediate family of the patient (his or her parents, siblings or children), as well as the government and medical offices that he or she may have to deal with.
When your identity is that of the spouse, you are no longer you.
You become:
- the financial provider
- childcare provider
- communications director
- representative
- secretary
- medical expert
- driver
- hand holder
- and butt kicker.
You may still want to know that you are still partners, friends and lovers with your spouse but that comes after all other aspects are dealt with.
This theme came to the forefront because of a story I saw on Facebook recently; one of the rare things I commented on.
The article I saw was about a couple welcoming a beautiful baby boy into their family to add to two other little ones. Such a joyous moment sadly overshadowed by heart-wrenching news. This young woman is diagnosed with incurable cancer.
The article talks glowingly about the patient and describes what seems to be an amazing support system for the woman which is so important to her resiliency in having to deal with such a devastating diagnosis.
…And her husband works 12 hour shifts to try to keep up with the bills.
My heart went out to her but it also went out to the shadow of her husband who works long hours.
One of my sisters mentioned he may have asked to have his privacy respected and be basically kept out of the article.
She may be right.
But just maybe…
You see, he is the spouse.
How he was presented, or not presented, screamed out to me because I too, am the spouse.
The spouse of someone who is sick or has a condition has a particular social role. Sadly it is not an easy role and it is fairly institutionalised.
In the case of the young family in the article and my own, the needs of the young children are not to be neglected.
Most young families in North America don’t have a huge nest egg to tide over until things calm down so the financial burden is that much heavier.
In our case, our longest stretch of insanity included deadly seizures, four brain surgeries, relearning to speak and move properly. All in all, the risks on my husband’s life lasted about six years. Though I don’t think I will come home to a dead husband from a seizure anymore, his situation seems to have permenantly changed our financial situation and security. Thankfully we are young and in love so who needs money…
For many, the non-sick spouse becomes the sole provider with little chance to prepare. Such a financial hardship is exarcebated by little things like hospital parking, medication, extra-childcare costs and losing salary because of doctor’s appointments.
As you may have noticed, I did not talk about the cost of care since I live in Canada and care is available to its citizens ( Even though there is a doctor shortage in my province right now, you can access care for dire situations).
You now have the spouse working 12 hour days for months if not years to keep the family afloat as he or she tries to be the moral support of the sick person.
Society understands the patient being moody or depressed. Often the patient is considered amazing if they can muster a smile or get up in the morning. Society does not seem to understand what it is to be the spouse. They don’t even seem to consider the situation can affect the spouse or how it could.
It is funny to see how North American society accepts that people leave marriages because one does not feel completely fulfilled. Some even celebrate losing the extra weight that slowed you down.
…but say you are stretched to your limits or have the audacity of being scared by what your spouse is having to face and you are judged and told « All you have to do… »
Please remember the spouse is not a machine, disconnected or dispassionate about the situation. Do not heep more demands than those that already exists with just the worry for someone they not only deeply love, but also the person they have intertwined their life to. The extra weight they may be carrying :
- financial,
- time for medical appointments,
- intellectual capacity to becoming a medical expert on the condition
- the role of defender and activist
- worry,
- fear,
- heartache.
Not everyone has the capacity or the competency to do all of it.
They may even hide it from everyone including the patient so as to not worry him or her. This does not mean there are no effects.
As a society, we expect someone to do this alone for his or her spouse. Not only that, we expect the spouse to do it with gentleness, encouragment and a smile as to not upset the patient.
Maybe we should ask ourselves: what if I were the spouse?
My mother’s heart goes out to the young mother in the article.
My understanding of the expectations of the spouse has my heart break for the man. I wish for him to have a support that helps him be there for his family as well as give him the time and the space to mourn the health of his partner and the life he thought he would have.