What people can handle

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I am not a public speaker, (you never know, maybe one day) but I am a teacher.

Before broaching a subject, we, as teachers, try to consider the knowledge base of the people we will be sharing with. We then figure out what they need to know to follow our lesson. We share that information with them. We then give our lesson. We follow-up by checking to see what was understood and adjust accordingly.

I believe it is the same when dealing with sharing bad news.

  • Consider the level of knowledge of the person or people you need to tell.
  • Figure out how to explain the information they may need
  • For bad news, make sure it is in a place with enough privacy
  • Try to adjust according to the reaction of the person  receiving the news.

Other things to consider before talking to someone

  • how much do they have vested in the situation
  • their natural ability to handle hardships /their resilience
  • their personal experience dealing with a similar situation

In the case of bad medical news, people’s reactions do not really depend on education or jobs. I have witnessed people in the medical profession react very differently when facing a medical situation for someone they knew. It might be because their knowledge gives them access to think of worst case scenarios.

I will share this one situation. It happened many years ago to my father. He seemed to have had a heart attack. He was officially dead for quite a few minutes before they were able to get his heart started and  to keep it going. That put him in a coma and on a respirator. It happened to be my turn to be at his bedside in the ICU.

An employee had recognised me as she walked by my father’s bed. She knew me by sight since the beautiful spring day when I was at my parent’s house shovelling snow in a t-shirt. In my defence it was lovely outside and I didn’t want to sweat too much since I was on a short break from work.   My parents had gone off on a rare trip and I was shovelling their driveway as a welcome home surprise. I guess I made an impression because she had remembered me in Mom and Dad’s driveway.

When she asked me what I was doing in the ICU, I pointed and said I was there for Dad. Her face changed instantly. Though she only knew Dad in passing, she knew him. He became an acquaintance and not a patient. She explained to me that it was hard for the staff when it was someone they know.

I get it. It is hard on the family too.

Remember, no matter with whom you are sharing news, you are sharing it with a person. Your words go through their personal filter. It goes through their knowledge, their resilience and their fear. They may perceive what you say differently then the words you expressed. You may need to confirm that they have the facts straight. Try to not be upset if you need to double-check what they understand of the information, difficult news is hard to wrap one’s brain around.

You also have to remember when telling someone else news, it is news to them. You may have had time to prepare, to cry, to yell, to be shocked. They did not. They may do all of that in front of you. Try to not take it personally. It is much easier said than done when it is your world that is turned-upside-down. The thing is, you have had time to digest and deal with the information, they have not.

Please join us next week  when I will introduce My first angel.

I would love to hear from you if you wish to leave a comment or start a conversation.

Feel free to share this entry or the blog in hopes it lands on someone’s desk who may be feeling alone on their own crazy ride through a medical situation.

 

 

 

3 commentaires à propos de “What people can handle”

  1. Thanks for this lesson Nicole. Sharing with others is the hardest part, after dealing with the illness itself.
    Personally, I always prefer to keep it to myself as I figure that people won’t understand, or don’t want to be bothered. I never wish to be a burden on anybody or want to see any pity in their eyes. Anyway, only people who feel the same pain are able to understand.
    Of course, from time to time, I have my own pity party, but it doesn’t last long.
    Even my daughter, who is 41 now, didn’t know the list of illnesses I suffered from, until a few days ago. When I was visiting her for the holidays, I could see the desolation in her eyes at seeing me like this, unable to walk, with constant pain, taking 28 pills a day… I felt I had to explain and also I considered it important that she should know the medical family history.
    She was so overwhelmed she had to take notes and filled 2 pages on her iPad. I saw her Google Fibromyalgia, Meniere Syndrome, Spinal stenosis, and on and on. I told her to take her time and, if needed, I was ready to answer any of her questions.
    Instead of questions I got the best compliment ever:” Mom, I tip my hat to you for your strength and your courage. Under the circumstances, you’re doing great and I appreciate that you’re able to laugh at yourself and didn’t loose your sense of humour”.
    That made my day!!!

    • What a lovely story. It speaks loudly of the kind of mother and woman you are to have raised such a lovely daughter.

      I am happy for you that you were able to share with your daughter and you should be proud of yourself and her for how it all went.

      Your comment is a great reminder of our ills only being a part of who we are and that there can still be beauty, joy and laughter (though some days better than others)

      You just made my day.