For my birthday I got a family doctor. It is quite an exciting gift since I have not had one since mine retired at least seven years ago. This does not mean I have not been seen by a doctor in all that time though. In emergency situations, like when I needed a prescription for pumps or when I had pneumonia or when I dislocated and broke my elbow I was seen in an emergency capacity. I even got a mammogram and a colonoscopy because of my advanced…advancing age. What having a family doctor does mean is a continuity of care and a checking up of things that were worrying me.
My first and second impression of my new doctor is I like her… I like her a lot.
My impression of her is not the actual subject here today. The subject is the impression people seem to have of me and what I am learning about my place of privilege (next blog entry).
You see, my first appointment with my new doctor showed an issue with my blood pressure. (I have been saying I had concerns for years, but since I did not have a main care provider, I was told I was fine.) My doctor became concerned and decided to follow up so she gave me an assignment: to take my blood pressure morning and evening to see how it played around. If the first few days did not spike, I was to do it for a month.
It spiked.
She told me to phone the hospital which I did. I made an appointment for an ambulatory BP. I just got the appointment and finished the test on my actual birthday. Spoiled me! I am being taken care of! I am on the road to answers and support for a long standing concern!
Here is where I got a few examples of impressions people seem to have where I am concerned. The funny part is the examples go from my family to colleagues to medical staff.
Here is what happened that hits home about impressions .
I walked into the office at the hospital for the ambulatory pressure cuff. The technician who took me in was lovely but the meeting’s tone quickly turned into a judgemental one.
It began with a quick medical history
- List of medication?: none
- Diagnosis?: none; I haven’t had a family doctor in the last seven years to give me one.
- Mother?: yes, of two
- Children easy, no autism?: yes, we were blessed with kids who gave us little to worry about
« Oh you are typically a mom and don’t take care of yourself. There is no reason for your present situation since your children are healthy. »
I remained civil and asked if she had children and if they were easy. Her response was one was autistic; did I know what that meant? Yes, yes I did.
The next line of questioning was job related.
- Job?: teacher
- Age of students?: 12 and 13
- ohhh
So let us recap: I am a typical mom who does not take care of herself. (Not far from true). Add to that I work in the dangerous world of teaching hormonal teenagers.
Once the set up of the machine was done and instructions given, I decided to fill in the missing gaps. Yes I have kids that made both their dad and me proud beyond words. Add to that my students rarely get my goat. (They were super concerned when they would hear the BP monitor set off during class. They test their teachers but they love the majority of us too, and, I guess they figured out a lot of teachers love them right back.)
She is not the first to jump to such conclusions. It happened when I went to an emergency clinic for fear of an infection a few years back. When the doctor did a quick background check, she scolded me for not taking care of myself. That time, was when I was the sole income and my husband was in the hospital for brain surgery… I told her when his deadly condition was under control, I would double up efforts to find a family doctor that were in short supply in Quebec.
Back to the meeting with the technician. On my way out, I said I wanted to complete the dossier with possible missing information. I briefly explained the family situation including the extended family, and concluded with my husband’s crazy medical ride with the rebuilding that became necessary after his sixth brain surgery.
She fell back in her chair and blessed me.
She was a stranger and measures the people she meets comparing them to her reality. Her reality of raising an autistic child is not easy. I understand… or maybe I don’t. But I try not to assume.
I never assume that someone’s life is easy or difficult depending on his circumstances. I don’t assume to know their measurement stick or assume what they can handle.
I try to live beyond the limits society assumes our circumstances seem give us.
I try to recognise that someone who seems put together or falling apart may have more behind it than meets the eye. I do not probe but accept I do not know what is going on.
The surprise I might have problems with my blood pressure was shared with me by members of my family and colleagues. They know at least in part of what has been going on. Some have even had personal burn outs. Despite that, they were surprised that my body might react to our family’s crazy rides. Why: because I smile? Because I am present? Because I haven’t completely crashed and burned?
I am always surprised how people jump to conclusions, even those who have known me throughout…
I invite you to share your story and to share mine with others, Hopefully together we can make the world a little more open with a little less judgement.
Join me at the end of November for the subject of privilege.