Last time I wrote was about being present with grace. This week I will explain why it is weighing on me.
As you now know my deepest darkest secret is I try to be wholly self-sufficient. We could go into the theories of what made me such a mess, like the rank in the family, or the role I play in the family of the ones left over from my older siblings… or the combined nature and nurture theory…it doesn’t truly matter why I am the way that I am. I just need to learn to deal with it since it is part of my identity.
I have been thinking of the weekend where my family came to my rescue. I also had seen a few incidents, as of late, of an older loved-one needing to turn to family members to help with this and that.
Sometimes, the person in need was met with graceful help and sometimes this person was made to listen to what an imposition it was to even be asked. How devastating!
I took a step back and thought: How would I react?
I already know. I wouldn’t ask or wouldn’t ask again.
But what if I don’t have a choice? What if it weren’t for me?
That is when I realised that my sense of identity would be hit hard.
There are moments in life that one’s identity can take a hit. Facing a loss, like a job or of a loved one or of one’s health…
For me, as it is for some that are around me, I feel I may lose a big part of my sense of identity the day I will have to ask for or accept help from others.
I think I need to write to my future caregivers. Sadly, I could only think of saying:
Dear future caregivers,
I am sorry.
I am sorry to disturb you.
I need your help when you will have a minute.
It is really difficult for me to ask. I wish I could do it on my own… but I can’t anymore.
If you can’t, I’ll try to figure something out or I could probably do without.
Sorry to have disturbed you.
I am starting to see that I have a lot of growing up to do. Life is a cycle and maybe I will one day need the same type of help I so gladly give. Now, I will have to learn to ask for it and to accept it the same way I tried to give it: with grace.
Till next time, when I will introduce someone new to the mix.