I’m broken…

I find myself trying to put the pieces together. I guess that means I must be broken. This time my brokenness is less visible than it has been in the past. You can’t see it on an x-ray like when I broke my foot or when I exploded my elbow. The problem I am having of this kind of broken is how unclear or unsure the pathway to wellness feels.

petite famille...small family

It seems a perfect storm at work was able to bring me to where I am, to my knees. It took me by surprise. Not because work is particularly easy or that sick leave is unheard of in my field, but because it was always a place I could lose myself a little in the distractions it offered me when we were riding medical roller coasters at home.

This year was different. I am not sure why or how but I am in the middle of it now. It started out so well and then it was going not so well…

Now, in a sense, I must break things down to build them up. That is scary.

You see, along when there were crazy rides here at home, I did what my girl calls compartementalise. It basically means you don’t have time to deal with the emotional bagage, so you deal with the rest of it and move on.

I sure hope I dealt enough with the emotional bagage while it was happening so as to not have an avalanche now.

I am hopeful. Though I haven’t had the chance to really pull off the band-aid yet, what happened back then does not seem to be really coming up. What I am dealing with is more how I treated people and the way I was treated by them.

Not speaking up; watching out to not hurt someone’s feelings; trying to see their pain and not considering what the situation was doing to me is exactly what brought me here with these recent events. Most parents would recognise the pattern when dealing with things for their young children. Caregivers of aging parents might also recognise this in helping their loved-ones.

I am both a mom and was a child to a fragile parent with needs. My husband’s challenges over a few years certainly helped ingrain this habit into me.

I must learn I don’t have to be that person all the time. In a work situation, I must be able to put my foot down with adults. I do not have to protect them. If there is anyone to protect it is only the children I am there to support and teach.

I also must recognise I have a right to not suffer. Life is not just about riding unusual rides. It is okay to say my comfort is just as important as the next guy’s.

This doesnt solve the uncertainty of when this will be over. I wish they could give me a time-line and a head’s-up to see the steps I have to go through to wellness. And then take an x-ray to see if I have healed…